Hark! Are those wedding bells I hear, or just my tinnitus?

Until just this week, I never knew I had latent hopes of becoming a wedding planner. Me, the one girl in my high school class who never came to school with bridal magazines. The one who didn't plan her dream wedding. The one who swore before all who would listen (both of them, after I secured them with duct tape) I would never marry, never have children, never live in the suburbs and never, EVER drive a mini-van.

Needless to say, I compromised on all of these principles. I feel so … so … EASY!

I've been talking about the upcoming wedding of my college Galpal and her Beau for what probably feels like an inordinate amount of time to those who've been looking on, but it's just such an exciting thing. I got to buy a dress for the occasion! And jewelry! And it's happening THIS WEEKEND!

Hold on … Hyperventilating … 

It seems like just yesterday Galpal and I were young, carefree co-eds, not a worry in the world save the hope the college cafeteria wouldn't be serving "moldable stuffing" for dinner, or that odd meat-like substance only spoken of in whispers by cafeteria staff – the substance that always showed up shortly after the faint echo of hooves, a loud crash, and a vague, muffled scream.

We barely thought beyond the next semester, much less life after college – which felt so far away. Live for the day, and don't bother showering for classes before noon. That was our motto. Our sacred vow.

Now we've known each other for *muffle* years, having ridden out trials, tribulations, and the break up of Wham!. All those youthful years we thought would last forever are mere memories. Gone with big, poofy hair and stirrup pants. Poof! Now all we have left are the memories, and hundreds of incriminating photos of drunken revelry, souvenirs of good times past which I'll "forget" to bring to her reception if the price is right.

Now here we are, on the cusp of her wedding day. She has 2.5 days to run like hell anticipate the joy of the day, the feeling of being the center of everyone's attention, the panic of finding she can't relax her facial muscles after smiling for hundreds of photos.

If only I'd realized earlier my talent for choosing wedding ensembles! How much weight I could have lifted from Galpal's shoulders, how tastefully refined I could have proven myself to be. Never before did I realize I had so much talent! Such taste! Not until this very moment! No, nay! Verily!

But despair not, as I shall not despair. To all those out there planning future weddings I'd like to offer you a window into my own particular take on what makes the perfect bridal party look. I call it, "Hodgepodge," which is a French word meaning dear god shoot me beautiful and diverse. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed picking it out. And Galpal, should you one day choose to renew your vows, I hope you will know how much joy it would bring me to plan the event for you. Sniffle! Sniffle!

And here it is:

Hands down, I have never seen a bridesmaid's dress that's more … unforgettable? No matter how hard your guests try, they'll never be able to get this one out of their heads. Not even if they scratch out their own eyes, or have a frontal lobotomy, will this vibrant number erase itself from their collective memories.

Lasting memories! That's what weddings are all about.

Uuglydress1 

This style is not only soft, warm and cuddly, it will also match any color scheme. Or, all color schemes at once. Does it get more perfect? I think not.

Oh, but forget the bridesmaids!  We obviously have that one covered. It's the bride who's the star of the show.

. Uglydress3  

How many brides don't anticipate the possibility of a downpour on their perfect day? They say rain on your wedding day is good luck, and with this stunner you can get through any weather in style.

(Note: dress may melt in warm weather.)

Next  up, I'm not sure what the term is for the neckline. Areola Bareallis? One thing no one can deny – it's a scene-stealer. 

Uglydress4 

Finally, this one, from the Warrior Princess line. I really think it speaks for itself.

Uglydress5

And, as for the groom and his groomsmen, there is no more perfect fabric than polyester. Why worry about wrinkling? This cutting-edge style wouldn't wrinkle if you left it wadded up in your trunk for three years. After all, let's face it, men don't want to think about their clothing!

Uglytux 

Best of all, it's available in several colors to suit every taste!

It may be too late for Gal Pal and Beau to engage my services, much to their regret I'm sure. But should the library thing take a turn for the worse I know now there's a career in wedding planning waiting for me.

Note: I'm also available for Bar Mitzvahs.

Best of luck to Galpal and Beau! Their style may not quite reflect the distinctive nature of my own personal touch, but I think they'll manage to have a good day despite that. Just try not to be too regretful. I can do parties, too, don't forget! And that bridesmaid dress may easily double for any function. I see serious stomach upset potential in it.

The Chicagoland weather forecast for your big day could hardly be more beautiful, which is great news since you never know at this time of year. Do you need further proof the nuptial gods are smiling down upon you? I know, a few checks in the multiple thousands range wouldn't hurt, either.

My advice is to relax and enjoy. After all that time spent planning, this is your day. It will be over before you know it. Much like the dinners I spend hours making, and the children finish in TEN DAMN MINUTES, the time will fly. Then begins your life together. So enjoy this major party, because from here it's all downhill back to everyday life.

As the Ancient Romans would say:

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

And with that, I believe I've said it all. And perhaps even more.

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3 thoughts on “Hark! Are those wedding bells I hear, or just my tinnitus?

  1. Gal Pal

    Hmmmm. remember the incrimination goes both ways… since I was going through photo albums with my mother and happened across some photos of us in a fellow co-ed’s room with various beverages and unique drinking vessels….. Several of the photos seem to be very very obvious to our condition… and don’t forget I have the picture with the foils in your hair!! šŸ™‚ Have had a massage today, manicure tomorrow and finishing errands etc. Friday is relaxing day!! šŸ™‚ See you Saturday…

    Like

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